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We Let Him Go The Hardest Thing I Ever Had To Do

Let Him Go sun-flower

We Let Him Go The Hardest Thing I Ever Had To Do

– Day 131

What a month this has been! I was dreading it and so looking forward to things that happened this month.
First Philipp’s adventure. And I am still on a high about how well that turned out. (Did I mention just how proud I am 😉 )

And then there was the last weekend. I was so looking forward to seeing Rodney’s friends.
And, OMG, how I was dreading it. For many reasons.
There was the obvious question – would I be able to let Rodney go? I wasn’t sure, even when we headed off to the mountain.

It wasn’t planned very well. Heck, how would I know what to do, it’s not like like I’ve done this before.

Philipp had chosen the spot, so I didn’t even know where we were going. We were planning to take some of Rodney’s favourite music. Oops. The music didn’t make it.
But we took sunflowers, blankets, Cava & Prosecco, lots of love and Rodney up Slieve Foye.
Philipp said it’d be a 10 minute walk (!) from the car park. He didn’t think about the fact that he’d take 5 old people up.
It was a bloody hike and very soon you could hear 4 of the old folks moaning. The tiniest one the loudest. (Nope, not my daughter! And she ain’t old anyway. OK, the tiny person ain’t that old either))
So Greg and Philipp coaxed us to go that little bit further. Just a bit more. Look, up there is really nice. A little bit further up is even nicer. And what a spot it was. A waterfall, (now Rodney’s waterfall), sheep roaming above us, the lough, sun, heather, fern, green. Just such a beautiful place you’d only find in Ireland.

From the moment we got out of the car all my worries were gone. I didn’t even think about them. Everything made sense and seemed right.
We spent two hours chatting, laughing, reading out quotes from Rodney, conversations, remembering Rodney, drinking from paper cups, he would have loved every minute of it.

Eventually we got up to do what we came for. We threw the sunflowers in the stream, and it looked beautiful. The tears were there but I was so overwhelmed by the beauty of this afternoon, by the support of my children and (my) friends that I couldn’t help being happy. All of us scattered his ashes. Everyone a bit. And because there was quite a lot of it, everyone had a second go. And then I had to poke him out. Very undignified, boy he hated being poked) but funny and fitting at the same time (because he hated being poked) (or tickled).

So, we let him go. The hardest thing I ever had to do. Also the easiest thing I had to do for Rodney..

Philipp has given his father a spot to rest, to drift, to think, to enjoy, a starting point to go wherever he wants to.

Love
Susanne

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About Susanne Breen

Widowed in April 2016 after her husband died from cancer. A social worker, translator and accidental writer. Mother of two with one living at home plus 3 mad pets on the shores of Carlingford Lough. Originally from Berlin but now living in Ireland a number of years. These days she's learning to adjust and cope with widowhood.